Friday, February 13, 2015

Indian Politicians Replacing A Light Bulb..

Dr. Kiran Bedi

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Onlookers gathered at the house with the dead bulb scatter as a huge crane approaches with a loud honk. Dr. Kiran Bedi waves from the driver’s seat, cuing cheers from the crowd. Buoyed by the crowd’s response, she starts blowing flying kisses to the crowd.

With great dexterity and focus, Dr. Bedi moves a lever and navigates the crane’s hook through the door of the house. Dr. Bedi then presses a button that makes the hook clamp on the dead bulb. Dr. Bedi pulls the lever back, and the hook pulls the bulb out of its socket, and holds it high for gathered onlookers to see. A roar spreads through the crowd.

However, instead of putting in the new bulb, Dr. Bedi begins to click a few photos of the crowd, then grabs a microphone and starts giving a speech. “Kaisi lagi yeh? Aap dekhte rahiye, main is bulb ki sach much watt laga doongi [How did you like it? Keep watching, I'll take this bulb's case],” Dr. Bedi chirps with child-like excitement. The crowd looks a bit bewildered.

Undeterred, she continues, “I have been an administrator for 40 years! I have been a political scientist and I have also been an electrician. Yeh dekhiye! [Look at this!]” and opens a blue file, with the word “bulbs” on its cover. As Dr. Bedi wades through the file, each page containing images of different bulbs, the crowd starts murmuring, clearly distracted.

Dr. Bedi continues anyway, “Mitron, I have just 1 formula for light bulbs – 3F: Fuse, Filament, Fluorescence. Repeat after me!” The crowd, however, is clearly not paying attention. Dr. Bedi says, “You people are not listening to me! Listen and repeat after me.”

By this time, the crowd decides it has had enough and starts screaming out Modi’s name. Dr. Bedi covers her face, wipes a few tears and, “I can’t continue like this.” Seeing no signs of sympathy from the crowd, Dr. Bedi says, “I’m sorry, I’ve to go tow something else. There are 3 other objects waiting to be towed by me. See you some other time,” and leaves the venue.

Later, Dr. Bedi reasons, “I have not escaped from fixing the light bulb. I have evolved into a different reasoning. My party has escaped and it has to introspect. I will say I’ve escaped only when I’ve not tried my best to fix it.”

Smriti Irani

The nation’s favorite bahu, Union HRD Minister Smriti Irani arrives at the venue at 6 am, looks at the dead bulb and bursts into tears. The bulb is taken to a nearby lake, burned and then immersed. While residents of the house wait for a replacement, Smriti tells them that she will be a little late. The HRD minister then makes a quick dash to her astrologer, who looks at the new bulb, chants some mantras and says that there’s a Rahu Kaal for the next 2 hours and 11.30 am is good muhurat to install the new bulb.

Complying with his recommendation, Smriti leaves at 11 am, immediately after the Rahu Kaal lapses and heads to the venue with the bulb. As residents wait eagerly, Smriti pauses and observes the clock, until it turns 11.30. She then quickly fits in the new bulb and switches it on. Grateful residents of the house thank her profusely.

Smriti, however, says that it’s not enough. An official hands over a certificate, which the residents are asked to sign. The certificate reads: “This is to certify that Mr/Ms. Smriti Irani has successfully completed a crash course in fixing a light bulb at our residence. Signed/- ”

By this time, Prof. Madhu Kishwar has already written a stinging blog post, detailing why the new bulb is not likely to last more than a month.

Arun Jaitley

Cool as ever, Finance Minister Arun Jaitley arrives at the venue, turns the switch on and verifies that the bulb is indeed dead. As the residents of the house watch, Jaitley makes a couple of quick phone calls. In 10 minutes, the gate opens and an NDTV OB van comes in. Shekhar Gupta walks to the location, greets Jaitley and once the camera rolls, the Finance Minister pulls the dead bulb out and the duo walk around the house in the garden, filming another episode of NDTV’s “Walk The Talk” until they reach the dustbin, where Jaitley throws the dead bulb away.

While he walks back to the wall to install the new one, NDTV’s Barkha Dutt waits, overseeing the positioning of 2 chairs adjacent to the wall. As the camera rolls, Jaitley installs the new bulb, switches it on and under the bright light, the two of them take their seats. Barkha begins an hour-long interview about with bulb with Jaitley, where he says that he plans to allot Rupees 100 Crore in the upcoming budget to replace dead light bulbs.

Akhilesh Yadav

The UP CM arrives in his convoy at the residence where the bulb has gone dead. As his car door opens, Akhilesh emerges in a white skull cap, followed by his father. Mulayam asks him, “Beta, have you done this before?” to which the CM replies, “No dad, but fear not. I’ve downloaded videos of how to replace light bulbs. I’ll just watch this now and do it.”

Opening his laptop, Akhilesh plays a downloaded documentary on fixing a light bulb, watches it for 2 minutes and then proceeds to remove the dead bulb. Upon realizing that the residents in the house are Muslims, Akhilesh announces a complete waiver on the new bulb’s electricity charges. He then installs a brand new bulb in its place and turns the switch on. The bulb doesn’t glow and they all realize that there is a day-long power cut in the area.

Azam Khan

The senior Samajwadi Party leader arrives at the house where the bulb has gone dead, discovers that the residents are Muslims, and announces that this happened because they are Muslims. Azam pulls the dead bulb out and promises to be back with a new bulb soon. The next day, Azam undertakes a 2-week long massive study tour, across Europe, North America, South America, Antractica and Australia, to learn how light bulbs are replaced in those continents.

Once he’s back, Azam returns to the house and fixes a new bulb in the residence. He tells the residents that the old bulb will be handed over to the Waqf board.

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